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200 Best [Funny Quotes] That Will Make you Happy and Cool

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Funny Quotes | Funny Saying | We have a more quotes collection like inspirational quotes, motivational quotes, love quotes, life quotes and much more. our first need is to find the best quotes collection for you and we share with you and make you happy.

Funny Quotes That Will Make You Happy and Cool

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Click to tweet

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”? Einstein

It's not because I want to make out with her."Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

That's why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”

short funny quotes 

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. 

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray Click to tweet

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. Will Rogers

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

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That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Click to tweet

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..

short funny quotes about life 

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

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Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Click to tweet

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish Proverb

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. Click to tweet

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

funny quotes and saying

Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! 

funny quotes and sayings 

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

The funniest people are the saddest ones.

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

The human body is the best work of art. Click to tweet

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Check More...Beauty Quotes  

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Click to tweet

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

funny quotes

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

funny quotes about life and love 

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. Click to tweet

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Read More...Attitude Quotes

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Click to tweet

“Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much." "Dick. That's not what you said last night.""Bite me.” 

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

funny quotes about school 

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

I've had great success being a total idiot. Click to tweet

She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery

And now," Eric yelled into his microphone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This ones for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.
You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana

The happier we get, the less we see. Asian Kid Click to tweet

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. Bill Watterson

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Abe Lemons

funny quotes about life 

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Gene Perret

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. Epictetus

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. Edgar Watson Howe

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. Click to tweet

Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Rejection is an opportunity for your selection. Click to tweet

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.

funny quotes about love 

Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky Gervais

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais

The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. Ricky Gervais

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais

Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds

Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds

Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds

If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. Ryan Reynolds

See More...Motivational quotes 

We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds 

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell. Click to tweet

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

funny quotes about friends 

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. Click to tweet

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. 

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you.

I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Click to tweet

Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.


She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.

I have to return some videotapes.

funny quotes about work 

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive. Click to tweet

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other professions would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.

If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

Of course, you know, this means war.

I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this."My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. Click to tweet

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert

I hope you like our funny quotes collection if you want to more quotes so I give you the best quotes for you we have a big collection like inspirational quotes, love quotes, wisdom quotes and much more.


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